M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
