You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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