i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I love having hate sex.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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