why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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