I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
