Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
