Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
