I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
