someone threw a dead crab at me
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
