Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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