my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
