At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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