I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
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