I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
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I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
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I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day