I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
