first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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