I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
