I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
