apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
