just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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