ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
