my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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