Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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