Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
