I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You can't motorboat a personality
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.