She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
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I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
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I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped