I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
