i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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