first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
