I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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