Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
