Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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