I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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