My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
