My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
