am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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