ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
