I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Randomize
