I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
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She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
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Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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