I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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