told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
