when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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