I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
