Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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