i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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