So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
