Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
