so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize