I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
