the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
