mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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