I look better un-naked...
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
