There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
