3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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