when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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