There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
