i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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