My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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