My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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