just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
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I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
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At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.