haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.