I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Just cropdusted the office
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
